I don’t know if I’m normal.
Does everyone say that to themselves? Do we all worry that we are so different, so unique that we are off the charts and no one else will relate to us?
Does it really matter?
Inside my own head, I suffer highs and lows. No, I’m not bi-polar. My highs and lows are well within the realm of what we all deal with. I think.
For me it is a constant struggle to practice the faith I believe. This morning I felt stagnant and last night, I was on Craigslist searching for what homes might be available in my own town, 45 minutes from where I live now. I looked at jobs. I looked at the pets and I looked at the free stuff. What am I looking for on Craigslist? Anything different. A change. Signs of life…anything.
I woke up this morning slightly irritated. The need for the search was still on. I tried to find peace in routine. And then I changed my routine by hanging out in the living room instead of my own room. I turned on my favorite show in the living room and reclined in a comfortable chair I rarely use. I signed into Words with Friends and played a game or two at the same time. Then I got bored of waiting and hit the buttons to find another random player. The new player and I worked on a game together for a while. When my shows ended, I had an overwhelming need to accomplish something,so I went into my room and began to do a deep cleaning. It was good. I found myself cheered up and beginning to purr inside.
I am a communicator and when I carry ideas or worries around too much without sharing, I get off-center. Sometimes I must pray or meditate to allow the answers to come to me. Once I do this, I get focused and make a plan. My plan today was to talk my worries over with someone who lives in the same house where I live. He didn’t get home for a while and I let the idea roll around in my head for the rest of the afternoon. When the moment presented itself, I brought up the subject that was bothering me. My friend responded with supportive words and in just a few minutes, I found the worries rinsing away. I began to feel “normal” again.
If you look back at what I’ve written here, you will see that everything I described involved what was going on inside of me. Nothing changed. Absolutely nothing in my physical world is different tonight than it was last night. It all happened inside my mind. It ended with a sense of peace and harmony because I shared it and made it real in words and conversation.
So how do I find that peace without going on the roller coaster ride every day?
I feel like I should interject at this point in my blog that I’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years. I became homeless recently and am living in a friend’s house. Everything in my life changed and I am forced to rebuild my reality for myself and my young daughter. This has truly been an unbelievable experience filled with tears and fears – imaginings that turned out to be much worse than reality.
I just spent the past three years worrying constantly about certain family members whose lives were out of control. I stepped in and took young children into my life. It was rewarding and necessary. It was frustrating and maddening.
If you want to know more, please go to my “Very Personal Blog” section here and read the posts there. You will get a detailed explanation of what has been happening. My recent blog about being homeless will bring you to my present day.
It’s just by luck, prayer and faith that I’m sane at all.