Luck, Prayer and Faith

I don’t know if I’m normal.

Does everyone say that to themselves? Do we all worry that we are so different, so unique that we are off the charts and no one else will relate to us?

Does it really matter?

Inside my own head, I suffer highs and lows. No, I’m not bi-polar. My highs and lows are well within the realm of what we all deal with. I think.

For me it is a constant struggle to practice the faith I believe. This morning I felt stagnant and last night, I was on Craigslist searching for what homes might be available in my own town, 45 minutes from where I live now. I looked at jobs. I looked at the pets and I looked at the free stuff. What am I looking for on Craigslist? Anything different. A change. Signs of life…anything.

I woke up this morning slightly irritated. The need for the search was still on. I tried to find peace in routine. And then I changed my routine by hanging out in the living room instead of my own room. I turned on my favorite show in the living room and reclined in a comfortable chair I rarely use. I signed into Words with Friends and played a game or two at the same time. Then I got bored of waiting and hit the buttons to find another random player. The new player and I worked on a game together for a while. When my shows ended, I had an overwhelming need to accomplish something,so I went into my room and began to do a deep cleaning. It was good. I found myself cheered up and beginning to purr inside.

I am a communicator and when I carry ideas or worries around too much without sharing, I get off-center.  Sometimes I must pray or meditate to allow the answers to come to me. Once I do this, I get focused and make a plan. My plan today was to talk my worries over with someone who lives in the same house where I live. He didn’t get home for a while and I let the idea roll around in my head for the rest of the afternoon. When the moment presented itself, I brought up the subject that was bothering me. My friend responded with supportive words and in just a few minutes, I found the worries rinsing away. I began to feel “normal” again.

If you look back at what I’ve written here, you will see that everything I described involved what was going on inside of me. Nothing changed. Absolutely nothing in my physical world is different tonight than it was last night.  It all happened inside my mind. It ended with a sense of peace and harmony because I shared it and made it real in words and conversation.

So how do I find that peace without going on the roller coaster ride every day?

I feel like I should interject at this point in my blog that I’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years. I became homeless recently and am living in a friend’s house. Everything in my life changed and I am forced to rebuild my reality for myself and my young daughter.  This has truly been an unbelievable experience filled with tears and fears – imaginings that turned out to be much worse than reality.

I just spent the past three years worrying constantly about certain family members whose lives were out of control. I stepped in and took young children into my life. It was rewarding and necessary. It was frustrating and maddening.

If you want to know more, please go to my “Very Personal Blog” section here and read the posts there. You will get a detailed explanation of what has been happening. My recent blog about being homeless will bring you to my present day.

It’s just by luck, prayer and faith that I’m sane at all.


3 thoughts on “Luck, Prayer and Faith

  1. I read your “very personal blog” today and you are not alone. My family has lived through similar chaos. My sister was an addict for almost a decade before anyone recognized her underlying mental illness. My parents have raised her four children. They do not accept her diagnosis and believe she is using it to get prescription medications to abuse. And she has HAD issues with her meds, sometimes intentional and sometimes not. She has a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and substance abuse.

    My mother, in particular, wants nothing to do with Jerri and this horrifies me. As I’ve read your posts, I’ve felt your pain, your exhaustion, your frustration, your anger – but through it all, I’ve also sensed the love for your son which you’ve clung to. You may hate what he’s done to your family, you may want to give up, to get in your car and never look back, but you don’t because you love him. That is not my Mom. I’m not a mother, myself, but I still can not fathom how anyone can turn her back on her child. I understand the importance of establishing healthy boundaries, really I do. I struggle to do that with my sister now as I am her only family support. Without boundaries, your son will completely use you up. But my mom has not set boundaries; she has built barricades.

    There are many days I also feel off-center. I think its just a function of living in a broken world and realizing it. It is hard to reconcile this life with the one I thought I’d have.

    1. Wow. Thank you for sharing those details. It makes a huge difference to me to hear what another family has been through.

      Your mother may have been through something similar with someone else. From what you said about her reaction, it sounds like it. I’m almost to that point. I could never shut any of my children out, about that you are right. But I’ve had to start saying “no” to him. We live about 45 minutes apart now and that slows him down from depending on me too much, but he will still call randomly to ask for favor and I tell him no when I know he is doing it out of habit. I turned into the easy way out. “Mom will fix it, why should I try?” That’s what happened with him. I helped in the first place when I saw the same failures over and over and over – but these failures affected my young grandsons. Because of the neglect and incidents I saw with the kids, I stepped in. It’s a grey line to walk because as a grandmother, I want the best possible life for the grandchildren. But I also have to find the point where I let him do it his way. I had to learn that I cannot repeat his childhood with them. He has to make their life what it is supposed to be. Because of my role in raising the grandchildren for a couple of years, I am more outspoken than I think most parents would be. I raise my voice at him and have no patience when he is lazy. But even that is a pattern I have to stop. He needs to lean on his own conscience and not fall back on what Mom is going to think.

      You said something at the end of your comment that made me pause and think…reconciling the life I have with the one I thought I’d have. Wow again. The thing is, I won’t give up on the life I want. Most of my life has been what I wanted, as far as having a large family and all. But my marriage was not. And I’ve yet to find love that stays. But I did divorce my husband at 21 years together and stepped out on own to find the life I wanted. No, I’m not there yet, but I am free to make my own decisions and choices. But I think you are right…reconciling with where I am right now… absolutely.

      Thank you so much for sharing with me.

    2. I just now read your comment. I appreciate your words now just as much as I would have back then. Read my latest entry. We have been thru so much, it makes me wonder if this is what life is about, learning every day how to survive when we face the unimaginable. I hope things have gotten better for your family. Thank you so much for your comment. I have the WordPress app now and will be on here a lot.

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