Freedom

When I’m dead and long gone and someone in my family stumbles upon this blog, I want them to know good times and bad times are normal. That is why I’m not going to remove any blogs I’ve written when times were tough. I’m also not going to stop being honest and write only when I’m in a good mood.

With that disclaimer in place…Welcome! Good morning! How are you today?

I’ve reached a weird place in my life. So much is happening around me, I’m not sure where my moods are coming from: the death of my dad, dealing with my son and his kids, a relationship being reinvented…I just know on most days and every level, I am not happy.

I understand happiness comes from within. That very easy to say when things are going our way. Now that I’m truly on the edge, I’m seriously seeking that strength and inner peace to be an observer of my own life.

My mother teaches that idea with vigor. She texts me at various times of the day and night and we send ideas back and forth. She often talks about stepping back and observing when something is not going well, but don’t get pulled into it emotionally and spiritually. For instance, I should look at my son’s situation and watch it like a scientist might…analyze it and accept it for what it is. Don’t let my anger at him or frustration at feeling abandoned get the the better of me. It does work, but is very difficult to accomplish at times.

I’ve been going to a grief counselor at Hospice, over my dad’s death. She is wonderful. The first day I went, I cried a lot. The second time, not so much. I have not gone yet a third time, but I will this week. One of the biggest benefits I’ve gained from these sessions is the true knowledge that death is part of life and a lot of people are suffering grief. I really am not alone. That idea all by itself doesn’t do me much good, but telling a stranger about my dad and having her point out things about our relationship and my love for him that I didn’t not notice…is priceless.

I’m stressing pretty badly. I deny the stress most of the time and I’ve been holding a lot in for the sake of peace in my house. That is going to have to change soon. My body is being forced to deal with the stress even though I admonish it a lot of the time. My moods and saying I’m not happy most days is another sure sign that something’s got to give.

I suffer acid reflux. It’s pretty bad at times. If you have it, you know what I mean. This isn’t like a little heartburn. It’s pain beyond description in your chest, stomach, esophagus, throat, and sometimes even your ears. I’ve had mine under control for a while, but the stress is taking over and last night, I woke up around one o’clock to vomit. Acid. I know this is a gross thing to write about…but it’s also a wake-up call (no pun intended) that I need to chill or move to a remote cabin in the wilderness with no cell phone or something.

Most of my life, I’ve been a “fixer”. I fix things. I fix the problems in the family, I fix people, I fix everything and everyone. I learned to do it a long time ago. People like me put the needs of everyone else ahead of their own. This makes my own happiness second to everyone I know. It is a difficult pattern to break. I am actively trying to break it.  Problem is, it is difficult to recognize what my true feelings are. I default to everyone else. I think I’m actually pretty selfish and I know I’m tired of worrying that someone else is not happy. It’s time to be free.

Freedom. Just another word for nothing left to lose.

Maybe Janis.

Sounded good in the song.

I’m not so sure.

I’ve been given snippets of freedom in my life. They came with joy. I want that. I want that freedom, that joy. I always believed it was God reaching out to touch me, to remind me He’s there…not to take myself or life too seriously.

I have anger inside of me. Writing here in this blog helps me to separate my thoughts and feelings, so when you see me write something like that, it is because I just realized it. I do have anger. I’m angry that my dad’s life here is over. That he won’t get to know my grand kids anymore than he did, which was barely because he didn’t live near me, and I didn’t live near him. I’m angry that he smoked, which caused lung cancer, which spread to his liver and killed him. I’m angry that my ex-husband’s job took me away from my family 17 years ago. I missed so much time with my dad, and my mom – who is still alive – and my siblings. I am angry that he threatened to take my children during our divorce when I tried to move back down there. Now I work for him. I work in a business he owns. It is making me very angry. It is bringing out emotions that I thought I had long extinguished.  I just want to write and have my own photography business. But for now, this is where I am.

I’ve made myself uncomfortable with these details so I’m going to take a break.

Thanks for visiting my therapy session. I welcome comments and I hope something I’ve written may have helped you in some way.

Have a great great day!

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