I started to get old, but then I stopped

Mirrors portray false images back to us. So do people.

I’ve always thought that car makers would sell more vehicles if they would pay more attention to the mirrors in the front seats. If a person sitting in the vehicles glances at the mirror and likes how they look, they are going to like the car more. I’m not saying people are shallow. But we want to feel good about ourselves. If a car and its mirror relfect a positive image to us, we are going to want to be in it more often. To be in it more often, you have to buy it. Most mirrors in most cars are made for functional purposes and not cosmetic. Someone might want to rethink that.

Same goes for people in relationships with us.

I sparkle. I know I sparkle. If the significant other in my life is not capable of receiving, recognizing and reflecting on that sparkle, then it is wasted.  It is like watching a high definition movie on an old black and white television. The wonderful, sharp, colorful image is being broadcast, but the receiver is not capable of seeing it.

I am a handful. I know that. But I also know during my lifetime, I’ve had relationships with men who were handfuls too. They sparkled like I did and together, we shined.

Currently, I am in a relationship with a stained, broken old mirror. It does matter how much I sparkle, he only reflects back his grumpy, defeated attitude. I can’t make him shine. I can polish his mirror and make the best of the part that works, but he is still who he is.

None of what I am writing here is about ego. I make no claims to perfection. It’s about spirit and finding that spirit in this world that matches your own. You can hang with broken spirits, but if the person housing that broken spirit does not want to or cannot change, they will always be exactly the way they are now. If that works for them, great. But who’s to say I have to continue to sparkle in a dark closet? I don’t.

I felt old this week. I see the bags under my eyes, the wrinkles, and the chubby thighs that were once strong and muscular. To look in eyes right now, you might find a vacant stare looking back at you. That is what scares me. To me, that is where old begins. I am settling. Settling kills the spirit. It’s like pouring water over a burning bonfire…it tries to restart, flickers, and then smolders when more water splashes over it. That is exactly how I felt this week. People close to me daily, not only the significant other I mentioned, but others too…well, I will be kind and say they live their lives in a way I cannot and won’t. Disorganization and floundering and being broke all the time, never being where one says they will be, sleeping all day, up all night, hiding behind words that are so false they trail off while they are still being spoken. These people and their broken lives are draining me. Oh, they say things are going to change. They recycle old words the past has proven to be false. I used to try to save everyone. I have learned they have to save themselves. It is part of the process of healing and growing.

I have felt old and tired this week. The burdens of others and their bad habits and sad personalities have weighed me down and for a few weeks, I’ve been willing to accept that this was my fate.

No more.

Today I fight back.

Watch out world.


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