Howard L. Stewart in Memory 6.22.12

Dad,

Sometimes I am just angry and can’t find any specific reason why. I guess we all form this image of our lives inside of us and you have always been such a big part of that, I can’t accept you are gone. I know you are, but I don’t like it. I want you here. I want you to meet all the future grand kids and I want you to know the ones that are already here, better. I wish I could turn back the clock and be able to call you on the phone.

Consider this my phone call to you tonight.

Michael has decided to close the skateboard shop. I’m sorry you never got to see it in person. It was pretty cool, the whole adventure. I’m very proud to have a child who opened a business at the age of 18. I know you are proud of him too. I did something right with my kids, Dad. They are all doing well. Even the one that has been struggling so much is having breakthroughs and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t move to Bradenton like I wanted to after you were diagnosed, and now that you are in heaven, maybe you are privy to what my life was like during that period of time and what I was dealing with. Maybe God has allowed you to have great knowledge. If so, you know why I had to stay here and how well everyone is doing now.

I miss you so much. You are the first person from our immediate family who has passed and it just isn’t setting well with me. Howard says you dealt with this so many times yourself, with your own huge family – Granny, Don, Pete, Mary…and that you are with them all now. His words brought me comfort and made me realize, you did indeed deal with what I am trying to accept now. It’s just that…you are my dad. (I’m whining here, can you tell?)

Charla is doing well in Africa. I hope God is also giving you that vision. She could use your spirit over there with her. I know I would feel better knowing you were watching over her too. She’s amazing Dad. I am in awe of my own children. What more could any parent ask for? I paid my dues as a mom of young kids. I really did. I know I was a good parent because of you and Mom. I know I was able to fall back on my life experiences as a child when I didn’t know what to do with my own kids. I always seemed to have an innate understanding of what they needed. I am not perfect, but I have always done my best. I don’t know what else I could do.

I’ll write more about the other kids later. You are with me every day…I know you know what is going on and how great they are. I am so proud of all of them…they are tremendous people.

Goodnight, Dad. I’m glad you aren’t sick anymore. I’m glad the chemo isn’t tearing up your body anymore. I really like Deadliest Catch, btw. I will always associate that show with you. I ache to hug you Dad. Sleep well.

Lynne

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