This was supposed to be the beginning of my freedom to “be me”.
Didn’t work out the way I thought it would. Turns out I am not who I thought I was. Turns out freedom changes everything about who we are and who we will become. I thought it was going to be about quiet times doing the things I love and discovering through introspection what I’ve been missing about myself. What I got was turmoil and fear.
I have always described myself as “strong”. I had no idea what strong was until I was on my own.
I have been through not only hard times, but long hard times. Thought I never would see the end of my hard times and finally began to understand God was trying to tell me something. Has to do with what we want for ourselves vs where God needs us to be. There was a point during my new found freedom when God was all I had left. I was alone and scared and broke and traumatized, so I began praying like I had never prayed before and what I learned is God knows our hearts speak our prayers of honesty and trust. He hears the words that come from our mouths, but he SEES our heart. We are without a doubt, part of a grander plan and in the same way we allow our children to make mistakes so they learn, God allows life to kick our ass so that we learn to turn to Him and to find and keep faith.
It’s been 12 year since that photo was taken. I have turned out to be an amazing person. Not perfect by any means, but true and willing to learn. I know it sounds conceited to call oneself amazing, but I say it with all humility in knowing from where I’ve come and who I am now. I don’t take shortcuts. I don’t say no to something just because it will make my life more difficult and even though sometimes I really really want to be selfish, I can’t. Apparently I wasn’t made that way long before I knew it. Obstacles and lessons that I could never have imagined have presented themselves in my life. I know who I am because I have seen how I have responded to times of extreme stress and challenge. The God in me is what makes me amazing.
I have been blessed with the ability to write. I remember jumping from the top bunk of my bed when I was just a teenager, to grab a paper bag off the floor along with a crayon, just to get something on paper that had written itself in my head while I was sleeping.
A stranger complimented my work today. Another writer. It was just what I needed to get on this site and get my work together where others could see it, where it will remain after I’m gone, and where I can visit it all in one place and thank the Lord for my talents.
I’m so glad you are here. Please leave a comment and let me know you visited.